Questions about marriage. This whole thing comes from a particularly interesting couple that Ellen McCarthy Rosenthal met. The future girlfriend was a social worker. Before she and her partner moved in together, they made a list of 200 questions. There are many problems that can make a union happy, such as money, sex, religion, and the education of children.
A big part of knowing if your partner is a good choice is to question your own preferences and goals. The happiest and most successful couples have one thing in common: reasonable expectations.
So to make sure you are entering a conscious, compatible and healthy partnership, here are five questions about marriage that one should ask oneself before getting married:
1. Is this relationship fair?
When planning a marriage, you may be inclined to discuss how to divide finances. But what about the balance of emotional work? If a person is always giving more, committing and focusing on meeting the other couple’s needs, a reevaluation is in order. «An unbalanced thing can come back and bite you. Spending all your energy on keeping a person happy becomes too great a burden once there are sick children, mortgages and parents.»
2. How did my parents instill certain expectations?
While each couple is unique, it is important to examine how their parents and other family members contributed to their expectations of family life. Amiira Ruotola, writer of the book How to Keep Your Marriage From Sucking, says that she and her husband quickly learned that they had very different frames of reference: In her family, children always came first. In Greg Behrendt’s family, his parents’ marriage was paramount and the children were expected to be more independent. «You not only intuitively know what family means to someone else; and you cannot expect them to know what it means to you,» she says.
3. Do I want children?
Some differences are more difficult to negotiate than others. If one person wants children and the other does not, it will be difficult to find a commitment. «If you want to have children, don’t continue in a relationship where the other party is unsure.» Barbara Grossman and Dr. Michael Grossman, co-authors of The Marriage Map, recently advised by email. «We recommend that you kindly and kindly tell your partner that if they change their minds, they can let you know, but in the meantime, they will date other people.»
4. What are my goals in life? Are they compatible with my partner’s goals?
Make sure you are clear about what you want, both now and 10 years from now. Rob Scuka, executive director of the National Institute for Relationship Improvement, says it’s important to question the big goals in your life and make sure they’re in sync with the big goals in your partner’s life. «If a person wants something radically different, you’re going to argue about it,» he says. Instead of making implicit assumptions, be sure to get clarity before you get married.
5. What am I going to do to prepare for my marriage?
Rosenthal, a reporter for The Washington Post, met many couples who were highly prepared for their wedding day. However, few actively thought about how to build a successful marriage. «We think love and relationships should be intuitive, but that is silly,» she says. «We need to acquire the tools to be good in relationships.» Rosenthal encourages couples to make a plan, whether it’s reading books on healthy relationships together, getting advice on solving problems that have already arisen, or attending a marriage education workshop.
These are 5 very important questions about marriage. They may even be important to do before having a relationship. Because the moral commitment is acquired by having a partner, not by marrying the partner. But each person is a world.